doctor, bills, life.

So it's been a really long time since I have written....I have some catching up to do I guess. Life continued to get worse after I wrote, but I think the Lord was trying to make me humble. The worse I protested and pitched a fit, the harder things got. I finally figured out what the problem was and although things seem to still be tough, they are not as bad and I have managed to handle it better. We got a new car, which added another bill but we plan to pay it off at tax time. Bills will be bills..they will always be there so there's not much I can do about that..no sense in complaining.

For the past month now my son has been sick. It started out as a cold. Then came the fever..but this wasn't just any fever, it went from nothing to 105. I'm sorry but if you ask me that is just way too high for anyone, let alone a 1 yr old. The doctor told me I shouldn't worry about it too much. I think the doctor got his license from a cracker jack box. DONT TELL ME NOT TO WORRY about my child. Especially with a fever like that. Anyways, the first time we took him to the er at childrens..they told us that he had an ear infection and that one of his (ear) tubes were missing..then they put him on antibiotics. Well a couple days later we took him to his ear doctor who told us he DID NOT have an ear infection and both his tubes were in place. Yes, it pissed me off. They think we dont know or wont find out if he really had an ear infection but since he does have tubes obviously he sees an ear doctor and we will find out..dumb people. So his fever went down for a few days then on the 8th day, it came back hard. 105.3. We took him back to the er...the dr said and I quote, after all the tests that were run everything looked fine so he says "I don't know what to do"...THAT IS YOUR JOB..you are supposed to make my child feel better and figure out what is wrong so you can fix it....obviously something is going on ..i dont care what the tests say, do more or soemthing..bring in a specialist..I'm not going home with my kid being that sick. And I told the doctors this so they admitted him to make "me" feel better...again i say dumb people..he ended up with a horrible rash..to make  a long story short, the one nurse we had was on our side..doc tried to send him home..but he wouldnt eat or drink so he stayed, got fluids. Come to find out the meds they were giving him to make him better were making him worse..he is allergic to the antibiotics ..

For now, Levi is home, fever free, and covered in itchy hives.. :( but he is doing a little better (other then the hives). Well , i'm getting myself worked up and mad at the doctors..enough for now.

:)

Wow, I hadn't realized how long it's been since I wrote last..my apologies. Anyways, It has been a rough few weeks in my life lately. But as always, we have made it through. The Lord has been good to us. Our car broke down and we weren't able to fix it...searching and praying for something for two weeks and the Lord answered our prayers just in time. We got a new car this past Friday, it's a 96 Chevy Lumina and I love it! I start school tonight and now I have a way to get there! Now after all the money we put into our old car to try and fix it and getting this new car..we are broke again..DHS is behind and our food money did not come in today like it was supposed to. :( We have an empy kitchen at the moment so now I'm going to pray our money comes in soon. I'm not gonna worry too much, we should get them in a few days but I have to figure out how I'm going to feed my kids now. Sheesh, I'm really tired of being so poor. If there was only some way of coming across a nice chunk of money, oh how nice that would be. Oh well. Well anyways, I'm thankful for things I do have and my neighbors have been so much help here lately, I'm so grateful to know them. :)

He Listens..

Ok, I've complained and griped and whined along with lots of praying, the complaining did me absolutely nothing. I was talking to a friend because she always tells me what I need to hear, even if she don't say it to me, it's almost as I was meant to hear it anyways. So I chilled out and listened. She explained to me because I needed to hear it again, how awesome our God is...and boy is he..so I spent my morning worshipping him. Well  he may have heard me, we found a van for sale on craigslist a few days ago and I emailed them...they never replied or called us back. Then this afternoon after all that praying I did, they called my husband while he was at work. This may be a good sign. As I need a vehicle asap, its a good price that we can afford and big enough to tote around my kids. :) I'm feeling really good today. I'm not gonna get my hopes up about the van just yet but I'm leaving all the worry in the Lord's hands and hoping this is the vehicle for us!! What an awesome God we have! :)

Not patiently being patient

Well, here we are again..still no car..can't get it fixed yet. I'm trying so hard to be patient and wait for the Lord to send us some help..I've prayed and prayed..and prayed some more. I know he is never late it's just really hard right now because I have a doctors appointment coming up, school starts oct 3..and I have no way to either. I NEED a car. How do I make myself be so patient for something I'm in need of so much? I'm only human, worrying is what I do best, as that's an insult to the Lord, I asked for his forgiveness. I'm in a dilemma..it's either save the money to fix the car or sale it and make payments on a new one..I'd really rather just fix the car but where do I get the money to do that? UUUUuUUUgh. I don't know what to do. This is causing so much tension between me and jamie its ridiculous. Idk what I'm expecting him to do about it cuz he cant do any more then I can but wait. Pray, and wait. So I guess that's what I'm going to continue to do.

Suds in the..Car?!

So it's been a rough few weeks lately..and the past few days I haven't even had the time to write. Now I've decided to change my attitude about a few things here lately. I'm the type that when so much goes on at once, I tend to have a breakdown and start crying..but there has been things I don't have a lot of control over here lately and If I have a breakdown, it'll only make things worse. So with that said I've decided to write all my problems down here and be on my knees at night giving them to the Lord to handle..He doesn't give us more then we can take on but like a friend of mine said yesterday to me "Sometimes I wish he wouldn't trust us so much."
James went to see his neurologist yesterday, he said as he studdered his words out (wondering if we shouldn't go see someone else) that James might be having mini strokes so they are running more tests later. They did one in the office and it came out good. Also yesterday, I had a hair party at my house, had a few friends over. Went from a good day to a horrible evening, apparently some "he said, he said" not he said she said, was going on and that started so much drama, some people don't know how to let things go in one ear and out the other so that started a fight..got it taken care of though. Well the next morning we get up to take Kaydence to school and the after we leave the school. Our car breaks down, to make a longer story short..someone put dish soap in our radiator. I'm pissed, not only did that mess up our only family vehicle..it messed up MY vehicle..we don't have the money to take our car to the shop, we dont have the money to buy a new one, we don't have the money...period. I drive kaydence back and forth to school in that car..myself to school and back, drs. appts..all of it..now until i get the money to fix it I have to rely on other people to get me where i need to be. I don't like relying on other people, people are not reliable. Enough said.

So I started writing this blog this morning, after I said I wouldnt have a breakdown. I stopped writing to take Kaydence to school..well I lied.. I had a breakdown...In the parking lot..and all because I couldn't get the stupid door of the truck I was driving to close. A person can only handle so much but when you add your vehicle and 2 kids to the mix it only makes things that much worse. I'm going to stop writing now, before I have another breakdown just thinking about stuff. I do have to say, I waited a lot longer to fall this time then I usually do. Things are improving from that prospective.

One more thing, Clinton is having a lot of break-ins, robberies, and vandalisms going on lately..be sure to stay safe and lock your doors. A few of my neighbors were robbed as well, the same time someone messed with my car. A purse and all of it's inside belongings and a tool box full of tools.

Too young to be getting old.

Very sleepy this morning...Went to pick up my neighbor from work last night at 11:30. Came home and went to bed. At 2am this morning I wasnt sure if I was dreaming or not. My husband always kisses me goodbye before he goes to work. Well I guess it woke me up. I rolled over to my daughter laying practically underneath me and I looked at the clock and it said 2:03am. I was like ok, where is Jamie?? I get up to see if he was in the living room and he wasnt, checked the bathroom, no sign of him. I stepped outside and his truck was gone, I was like what the heck, where would he have gone in the middle of the night?? So I called him and he didn't answer the first time, called again and he answered. I said where the heck are you?? He said I'm heading to work, my friend didn't show up to get me so I went ahead and left. I said that's because its 2 IN THE MORNING! He said is it really? I'm like what's going on with you? Get home. He comes home and said I wasn't looking at the first numbers of the clock. I said well maybe you should next time. Come to bed. Idk if he was dreaming or confused or what. I hope that it has nothing to do with his head because he is way too young to be doing crazy things like that. He is supposed to be going to see a neurologist anways but seriously. Anyways, because of that I didn't get up in time to take Kaydence to school today so she is home, playing mario on the wii. Levi is being a cranky butt and i don't know why. It's too early for all this. I'm gonna have to take me a nap today I guess. Got a headache and today feels so wierd. Not sure why. My internal clock is messed up or something idk.
You know when you have that wierd feeling like either you're forgetting something or forgetting to do something or something is about to happen? Well that's what I'm feeling today. It's strange. Anyways, I'm gonna try to figure out if I was supposed to be doing something this morning lol.

9/11

Well I can't believe its been ten years since 9/11 happened. I was 14 that day, getting ready for school because I was living in Nevada at the time and they are 3 hours behind..Anyways, I saw what was going on but had no clue what it meant. Told my dad about it and he started freaking out..When I got to school I quickly learned what was happening and got so scared. I was away from my family here in TN and wanted to go home so bad. The class I was in was chaotic at the time. The teacher I had left because she had family working in one of the building. To this day I still don't know if they lived or not. I will be praying for all the lost and families left behind to grieve.

On a different note, I'm going to have to have surgery soon. I have a ganglion cyst on my right wrist and it's growing. Causing my whole arm to hurt. I think its cutting off circulation, I'm not sure all I know is it hurts so bad. I've had this thing since highschool. Its way past time to get it out. Anyways, I'm having a really good day today other then that. Oh and with the exception of what happened this morning. If you don't read my facebook account, I embarrassed myself. I was in the shower and had the radio on and heard someone pounding on my door. I grabbed a towel and answered the door, it was a cop looking for someone. To make a long story short, the towel slipped and I gave the poor guy an eye full. Lol. oh well.
So my really good friend is coming over today with her family, were making ribs and having sunday lunch. Well, hope everyone has a good day today! Happy Sunday!

Well

Well, today was a little better than yesterday. I had some errands to run so I got out of the house, even if it was the kids, I got out..I've been so moody lately but I'm pretty sure I know why. I will be calling the doctor for a visit after my husband gets paid. Unfortunately my dr. is almost an hour from where I live due to they were the only ones that would take my insurance at the time. The Lord really helped us out yesterday. My husband is a craigslist fanatic and found someone that was looking for something we had. So we sold it and made a little bit from that. Which means I can take Kaydence to school next week and she wont be kicked out of the program. :). I know he works everything out for us I just need to learn to be more patient I guess. Everything is on his time not mine and I just need to remember that. Anyways, dinner is on the stove.

No Happy Days

So..I've been going through a lot of ups and downs lately..I think more downs than anything though. Unfortunately I'm not the sit at home with kids kinda mom..it depresses me to sit home everyday doing absolutely nothing. People tell me to get a job, yeah well I can't. I had a job but I lost it. It was the only one able to work with my hours. I don't have a babysitter so my options are limited. At the moment I don't even have options..between not having a babysitter, my husband working 40+ hours, and me going to school. I don't have time for a job. I wish I did. I'm just aggravated at my situation right now. We are always broke. Always, no matter what we do, I'm just tired of it. Tired of worrying all the time about everything, are we gonna make this bill, are we going to be evicted, if the light bill don't get paid they will kick us out. I'm just plain tired of it. What's the point of life anyways, I know it's to serve the Lord because that's what were put here for but if people can't afford anything, you have nothing, I'm not talking about material things, I'm talking about food, shelter, blah blah blah. How can trying to work for that your whole life make you happy. Well it doesn't make me happy. I wanna live, enjoy life and the good things the world has to offer. The only thing I am living for these days is a place to live and food in my kids' bellies. I didn't even know if I was going to make it home yesterday from picking my daughter up from school. She's gonna miss the rest of the week and next week because we don't have gas to take her. Because of her absences..she will probably get kicked out of the program..she is supposed to have a 90% attendence. What can I do? I can't walk her there. It's too far and I have a 1 year old to tote around. She's going to be mad at me..she was mad at me this morning already because I didn't take her. My life these days is a no win situation.
 I had a birthday yesterday, it's the one day I look forward to each year because it's my day. Well not anymore, it sucked as usual..it's just "another" day. Why can't I be happy for once, why do people undeserving get to be happy? I don't understand this world or how it works and probably never will. All I'm asking for is to be happy. Why is that so much to ask for anymore?

Feelin' better

So, I'm feeling much better now..not in such a bad mood like was a few days ago..It had been a rough few days..when too much goes on all at once, it gets to me and I can't handle it. Anyways, spent some time with my new best friend and she always helps me feel better :). I've really enjoyed having her and her husband in our lives..her husband and mine have been becoming good friends as well so we have made a great group together lol.
So..we are broke, what's new but I know the Lord will help us through these next two weeks. I'm hoping we will get some money from our trees that should be taken off this coming week. My birthday is wednesday so that would be a nice gift. Lol. I'm feeling old these days...I have a fear of getting old..i know thats wierd to some but I don't look forward to my old gray and helpless days. I like being young and full of life. Anyways, enough about sad stuff. I'm going to dollywood tomorrow, we got free wristbands from wivk and its supposed to be 100% chance of rain! UGh..I'm praying it will ease up some so we can enjoy the day and ride some rides. Whats dollywood without roller coasters!!?

Grrrrr

I'm not in a very good mood today, nor was I yesterday. Why do things have to seem like they are going so well then one or two disturbances make it all crumble and fall. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm pushed over my limit. We were supposed to go camping and have a cook-out this weeked, that got messed up by a friends vehicle messing up, not his fault but if him and his gf didn't come, no one else would be coming so we would have spent all that money on food and no one would have showed. So I told the babysitter this morning we would't be needing her. She got mad at me because I didn't tell her sooner and she could be out doing something else. My son will not stop crying, that's all he does. We have no food in our house, the kids are hungry, my husband got paid but we have no money still. All the bills got paid..that's great but when there is nothing leftover for two weeks what are we supposed to do. It's just been one thing after another. I can't take it anymore!!! Because we are broke, I will be sitting in the house again all weekend, I'm already going stir-crazy. I'm not going to be sane by Tuesday when my husband goes back to work. Top it all off, my birthday is Wednesday, every year is a re-run. My birthdays have brought nothing but pain and aggravation. Cant do anything, poorer then the poorest. I'm always upset or depressed about something. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I'm losing it!!

Cant wait 'til the weekend!!

So I can't wait til the weekend...going camping!! Haven't been all summer, so I'm excited. Lol.Gonna have a cookout with some friends and work on the property. We have it all cleared, the part we want cleared anyways but the logger left us a mess. We get to have a nice big bonfire and burn all the tree tops..lol I sooooo can't wait until we get our home built. Our plan is have the root balls out and the land grated and have the footers dug before winter. If we can get that part done before next year, our income tax goes to starting foundation and getting as far as we can until we run out of money..lol We originally had a five year plan but here lately it has went to within the next year to two..I'm hoping this time next year we can at least be moved onto the property..That will save us rent money and we can put it towards finishing the house. I'm so proud of my husband and I. We had a dream from the day we met and didn't think we would have gotten this far. Within the 6 years we have been together, we have been married, had two kids, moved a lot, went through a lot of things together, had our ups and downs, bought our property, and now were fixing to start building a home. There was a few people that had their doubts about us even being together as long as we have but they can kiss my hiney now cuz we have made it so far and I'm still looking forward to all the years to come spent with him. :) I'm beginning to enjoy and love my life more and more each day. I have had a lot to go through to get to this point in my life but I think I'm finally happy now. :)
 I also have a new friend who has helped me realize that I don't have to be out partying and having a good time to still be having a good time and enjoying my life. So thank you to her! You mean so much to me girl. :)

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me!

Dear Lord, I thank You for this day,
I thank You for my being able to see
and to hear this morning!
I'm blessed because You are
a forgiving God and
an understanding God.
You have done so much for me
and You keep on blessing me.
Forgive me this day for everything
I have done, said or thought
that was not pleasing to you.
I ask now for Your forgiveness.
Please keep me safe
from all danger and harm.
Help me to start this day
with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude.
Let me make the best of each and every day
to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.
Please broaden my mind
that I can accept all things.
Let me not whine and whimper
over things I have no control over.
And give me the best response
when I'm pushed beyond my limits.
I know that when I can't pray,
You listen to my heart.
Continue to use me to do Your will.
Continue to bless me that I may be
a blessing to others.
Keep me strong that I may help the weak...
Keep me uplifted that I may have
words of encouragement for others.
I pray for those that are lost
and can't find their way.
I pray for those that are misjudged
and misunderstood.
I pray for those who
don't know You intimately.
I pray for those that don't believe.
But I thank You that I believe
that God changes people and
God changes things.
I pray for all my sisters and brothers.
For each and every family member
in their households.
I pray for peace, love and joy
in their homes; that they are out of debt
and all their needs are met.
I pray that every eye that reads this
knows there is no problem, circumstance,
or situation greater than God.
Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.
I pray that these words be received
into the hearts of every eye that sees it
in Jesus' name. Amen!

In need of prayers!

So, today started out a little different then usual...for some reason I have either chigger bites or flea bites all over my legs and they are driving me crazy!!!! With the itching..we don't have pets so I'm not sure where they are coming from..anyways, that had me up very early this morning. Then I took Kaydence to school and came home to feed levi and let him take a nap and my husband walks in the door..as I was wondering why he was home from work so early the plant manager drove him home because he was sick..Still I was confused, he said he wasnt feeling good, told me about some symptoms he was having, I was thinking it was his blood sugar. We took a nap and he felt a little better afterwards. So we took Levi to his doctors appointment for his 18 month check up and then we had to take my husband to the doctor..she tells us because of the symptoms he told her he was having, she is worried he might of had a TIA , which is just fancy talk for mini stroke. :( I'm very worried..trying to act as if it's nothing and not show that I'm worried but I am, very very much so. He's only 26, thats TOO young to be having a stroke. So we spent some time together talking and were going to change his diet and I'm going to try to help him take better care of himself. He has to be back at the dr. in the morning for a BUNCH of tests. So I am praying all goes well and it was nothing. They wanted to test him right then but the lab was closed and because of the insurance we have they couldnt send him to the E.R. What B.S. is that??! So if he has any more symptoms tonight he goes to the E.R. otherwise we wait til morning to find out whats going on. Praying he will be ok and it was nothing serious. Now I have a headache..sheesh..what a day.

In need of some down time!!

So, I have been going since 7 this morning, running around all day like a chicken with my head cut off! Took Kay to school, went to knoxville to register for my fall classes! So ready to get back to school, this has been a long summer break. I hate sitting at home all the time. Paid a few bills, still not done, stopped at home so Levi could get a nap in but of course he is playing rather then taking a nap. Gotta go pick up Kay from school at 2, then to pay more bills! Ugh I'm already wore out. Lol. So since Jamie just started a new job, we are in transition and he don't get paid 'til Sept 2. I have no clue what I'm going to do. I gotta try and make it off a few dollars until then. Guess I'm going to be using my knees alot for a while and be praying. Oh, I stopped at the bank today and someone used my debit card and bought 5 bucks worth of stuff....how is that possible when the debit card has been in my purse??! It has been a very stressful past two weeks, I know that! I would love to take a vacation right now, just me and the hubby, oh that would be so nice.
It sucks being poor...but I think God keeps alot of us poor for a reason. As strange as that may sound to some it makes sense cuz we know how people are when they come in contact with a large amount of money. I think he does it so we won't lose faith and always look to him when we are in need. Anyways, needed to sit and write for a few to chill out before I head out again. Have a good day!

Fry Date !!

So, I saw a friend today, havent seen her in probably a month or two. Oh she looked so frail. But she maybe that on the outside but I know she is much stronger on the inside, this blog is for you girl~ you know who you are. I just want you to know that you are a very strong and wonderful person and you can get through this. I will definately be praying for you. Life is hard sometimes but it will get better. I am always here if you need someone to talk to or go eat some french fries with! :) You are so beautiful and if that other person can't handle your greatness then there is someone else out that that can and your paths just have not crossed yet. It may not be the right time. The Lord has a plan for everyone and I know his for you has got to be a big one! You have so many talents and such a big heart and I know that will take you somewhere great! But like I said , when its time for you, it will happen, just hang in there and if you ever need me you know where to find me. :) P.S. I love french fries so we might have make a fry date out of it! Lol

Turn the other cheek

I'm gonna try to be the bigger person today. People talk so much crap these days its a wonder they get on with their own lives when they are too busy worrying about everyone elses. I just get tired of it. I do my best to be a good person and Im not perfect and I know that. I have done and said alot of things I shouldn't but I'm trying to move on and learn from them. That's what we're all supposed to do!!! Anyways, the Bible says turn the other cheek, so that's what I'm gonna do. There is no reason for anyone to be jealous of me. I live an everyday life just like everyone else. I have dreams and hopes and just trying to make them come true. Fortunately I have a wonderful husband who is helping me and doing his best to be a good husband and father and he's doing a darn good job of it. So, if it's because I have a good marriage and kids, or because were finally getting somewhere in our lives, you all can have that too. Ya know I've always said I wasn't going to look for love, I did for a while but when I met my husband, I didnt know he was going to be my soul mate. We just met one day and have been together since. I didnt go looking for it. It came to me. When its time for you, it will happen. The Lord has a plan for everyone and if it means that much to you then just pray about it. It may not be time for you yet, there may be something that you need to do first and just don't know it. Don't question the almighty, he knows what he is doing. So, get out there and live your life right and do what you need to do. Pray alot, thats what your knees are for. He will take care of you!

The Past and Dreams

So I woke up today in not so great a mood, felt really aggravated this morning, not even sure why. Been sitting here thinking about a lot of things today. My past keeps popping back up in my head. Not really anything in particular just wish sometimes I could go back and do things over, not make them different just fix certain things I did wrong and if I only knew then what I know now. That kind of thing. It really hurts sometimes. I regret a lot of things I have said and done so much I would take back if I could but we're supposed to move on and learn from our mistakes. I'm having a hard time doing that :(  . They say though that our past is what makes us, us. Well what If I'm not happy with who I am today? This is what I'm trying to learn from and make myself a better person. My life did a complete turn around from what I had planned for myself but maybe God had a different plan for me, that's what I want to believe anyways. He knows what is best for us and I'm still trying to "adapt" to this life of mine. Ya know when I was in school I always thought I'd graduate and go off to college then get married and have kids after getting a career and all that goes with that, well I'm doing some of those things just a little backwards.

 To tell a little secret, I always wanted to be a singer. I don't think I've ever told anyone that. Not that I have the voice to do that but I would love for that to be a realistic dream of mine. I feel like songs really let people hear how you are feeling, it expresses the emotion better and you can say so much in a song without having to really say it at the same time. Idk, just a dream I guess.

...fall is coming!

So, I'm getting really bored just sitting at home. I can't wait to get back in school, this is the longest summer break ever! I go back Oct. 3! I'd take the kids with me to do stuff but I never know what to do and it's really hard to leave the house for long because my youngest still takes naps and gets reallllly cranky if he don't have one and my older one likes to do her own thing (still has a listening issue) and it's just not easy with these two. Lol Anyways, now that fall is coming (thank God) I can go outside more and do things with them. I'm getting ready to start making more crafts for the craft fair this fall, cant wait! and while I'm doing that I can let the kids paint or whatever outside to keep them busy! I love fall, I think its the most beautiful time of the year and the weather is just awesome. (perfect time for pictures) Anyways, I gotta go pick up the young one from school soon but I'll probably be back later to continue this boring story of mine! :)

..Update..

So, about an older post..the relationship with my daughter is getting a little better. I have been spending more one on one time with her. She still has a listening problem but she is 4, so I'm not expecting too much improvement there. Lol that comes with time and age I guess. Anyways, I took her for a photo shoot so I could practice taking pictures and so I could spend time with her. That went well. I don't feel as much resentment towards her now which is definately a good thing!

So yesterday I went to Cades Cove with some friends and my family. I had a really good day. I don't get to hang out with friends too often but this particular friend and I have been having a really good time hanging out. We have so much in common and she is there for me when I need her.

By the way...for those who know about the project my husband and I have going on, we will be having a cook-out very soon so I will be sending out invites shortly. As long as the weather cooperates, expect to come and have a good time, and bring some bug spray. haha!

...what an idiot..

So, my husband and I went ginseng hunting today, lets just say we spent alllll day long today searching for it. We came home so excited with a huge box of what we thought was ginseng. Turns out it was it's look-alike, sarsaparilla. So we wasted our time for nothing :( . But next week were taking an experienced ginseng hunter with us to look lol..maybe we'll get lucky next time. Haha. So anyways, I enjoyed being outdoors today, I'm usually stuck in the house with the kids but my sister in law was watchin' the little ones for us. It was a nice break from them and good time spent with the hubby! :) So after a long day of hiking and walking and digging in the woods, I'm exhausted!

On a different note, I started trying to teach myself belly dancing, haha I look like such an idiot trying to do the belly dance but fortunately no one is watching when I'm making a fool of myself. I heard though that it was one of the best exercises you can do for your core so maybe it will help me get rid of my belly. Having my two youngens' really destroyed my body. I need to get it back so I'm gonna keep working on it. Lol. Anyways wish me luck.

Sorry for the boredom just didn't have much to say today but I feel its good to write anyways, gives me a way to talk about my day and just get whatever i have on my mind , off and written down lol.

Tornado in my life

You know when you have those dreams that are so real and when you wake up it makes you worry and check on everyone to make sure they're ok? Well I had one of those, though it seemed obvious after i awoke that everyone was ok, I felt the ned to check anyways. The only part I really remember about it was that I was in a movie theater with what was supposed to be just my husband and I and our kids, turned out to be a lot of my friends, and people who used to be my friends and friends I dont see very often.  My husband and I seemed so distant in this dream of mine and it was making me kind of sad. He left the theatre before me and I'm assuming he had the kids because they were not with me. Everyone had left me, I was alone and felt scared. I went into the lobby and there he was by the games with someone else , friends of ours. I was angry but not really sure why. I asked him where the kids were and he said someone took them home. Why home? We were not at home!

To explain something first, everytime my husband and I go to the movies, when we leave the weather is different, and I'm not exaggerating, we have went it the the theater while it was nice and cool and sun going down and come out to it snowing!

Anyways, someone took our kids home so I said to him well I guess you can find your own way home because I'm leaving now. I walk outside of the theater and it was dark and windy and starting to rain, I look up at the sky and there was a tornado! I quickly ran back in and told everyone to take cover because of what I had just seen outside. I ran to my husband and said who has our kids and he told me but I couldnt see or hear who he was saying, that part kept getting "bleeped" out for some reason. I was so scared and then I woke up.
The point of this story is because I realized how much I love my husband and kids. It only takes a second and that can be taken from you, for any number of reasons. I think this dream wasnt about a tornado, it was about how fast you can lose someone you love. Make sure you tell your loved ones everyday how much they mean to you like it's your last day on earth. I can't even express in words how much I love James, I love him so much it hurts (if thats even possible). He is the one and only for
me. Ifound my soul mate the very first day we met, we have been together now for 6 years 8 months 11 days. Been married 5 years of that! He is the only one who has ever made me feel the way I do. I still get butterflies when I havent seen him in a while and I know I'm going to. That can be just from him being at work. He makes my heart beat so fast and yet so slow at the same time. He makes me feel safe and yet he drives me crazy too. Sometimes I cant stand to be around him but hate being away from him. It's wierd how love makes you feel. Anyways, I just felt the need to share that. Don't take your family and friends for granted because one day they may not be here and you could miss out on a chance of telling them how you feel. Even if you think they know, they may not.

Patience...

Ah, patience, where have thou gone?? I could really use some today. Isn't funny how patience works? I tend to have so much of it when it comes to something other than my kids, I have gone mcdonalds on them. When they dont do what I say right then and there, there is no patience. I need to stop that. They say you raise your kids how you were raised. I dont necessarily believe that entirely but my mother did yell at me a lot growing up...unfortunately, she passed it on. I have two kids if you didnt know by now, a 17 month old son named Levi, he was born on Valentines day, I call him my love child, lol, and a 4 yr old named Kaydence...She is usually my patience issue. I love her with all my heart but she is the one I tend to lash out to. We were something close before my son was born, I thought I'd have trouble loving a second child but thats not my problem anymore, I love them both unconditionally but I dont feel the same towards my daughter anymore, I love her dont get me wrong but I dont have a bond with her like I do my son. That makes me sad, I feel that because of that I dont give her my all. Since birth she has been a daddy's girl but I still want a wonderful mother-daughter relationship with her and I'm having trouble bringing myself to show that with her. What is the problem here?? I want to say it's because I didnt get to bond with her right away when I had her, due to delivery problems or the post pardom depression took its toll during that time or I feel she has taken something away from me I can never get back...the truth is..Its not her fault at all, its mine..Im resenting her for something she never did, how do I fix that you ask? Well, I start with myself, see thats one of the reasons I started this blog, to talk things out. I sit here with tears just thinking about the way I act towards her sometimes and it makes me want to change, she is MY daughter, no one elses, she loves me, she looks up to me, she sees me as her security, her protector, her mommy, her friend..i'm the one who has to be "normal" for her. If not, who else will tell her the truth when she needs it, be there for someone to talk to , when she gets her first boyfriend I want her to come to me, when she fights with her best friend I want to be there for her then too. I want a relationship with her, I never had with my mother. So from here on out, we take it step by step to a new beginning.

Hello my name is...

I'm new to this so bare with me, I'm trying this out for sh!ts and giggles. We'll see how it goes for now. I figured it would be a good way to talk things out without actually having to talk to someone, for those who know me know I don't like "talking about things". I don't really know where to start...I guess when I have more to say this will be easier. I feel like I'm in a early mid-life ordeal, trying to figure out who I am again, thought I already knew. I'm changing becoming a different kind of person. Trying to become the person I've always wanted to be but that will take time, obviously. Slow and steady, one step at a time. Until then... Have a good day!